So, most of the time, I blog about our family, put up pictures of the boys and just in general keep things light. It wasn't an intentional decision, that's just how it's all played out.
Anyway, I just thought I'd throw in a little bit of a different side of me. It's been over 3 months since my one and only brother passed away. To be honest, I still don't think that I really understand that he's gone. I live here, in Ukraine, thousands of miles from Iowa City, so my day to day life doesn't look that much different from the outside. But on the inside, I am different. I am sad. Although when something is funny, I laugh (like the movie Baby Mama, would definitely recommend that one) or if something is sweet I smile (like when the boys are playing nice together), but then sometimes I just cry. He's my brother. He was always so strong and put together. He always did his research into products, so he always had the most reliable stuff. He was safe. I guess, in some ways I may have taken it for granted, assumed he'd always be there.
I'm still not sure what I've learned from all of this. I don't really know if that's the point. Right now, it's still just pain. He may not have been the big brother you see in the movies, that beat up some guy that was mean to me, but he was my big brother. Mine. In fact, he was nobody else's big brother in the whole world. Just mine. I miss him.
I guess, I'll always miss him. And that's ok. The hole in my heart is there to remind me of him. It will shrink in size, maybe someday it won't be so painful, but it will be there, like a scar, to remind me of a man that I've known my whole life, a good man. Praise God for the time I got to spend with my big brother.
Anyway, I just thought I'd throw in a little bit of a different side of me. It's been over 3 months since my one and only brother passed away. To be honest, I still don't think that I really understand that he's gone. I live here, in Ukraine, thousands of miles from Iowa City, so my day to day life doesn't look that much different from the outside. But on the inside, I am different. I am sad. Although when something is funny, I laugh (like the movie Baby Mama, would definitely recommend that one) or if something is sweet I smile (like when the boys are playing nice together), but then sometimes I just cry. He's my brother. He was always so strong and put together. He always did his research into products, so he always had the most reliable stuff. He was safe. I guess, in some ways I may have taken it for granted, assumed he'd always be there.
I'm still not sure what I've learned from all of this. I don't really know if that's the point. Right now, it's still just pain. He may not have been the big brother you see in the movies, that beat up some guy that was mean to me, but he was my big brother. Mine. In fact, he was nobody else's big brother in the whole world. Just mine. I miss him.
I guess, I'll always miss him. And that's ok. The hole in my heart is there to remind me of him. It will shrink in size, maybe someday it won't be so painful, but it will be there, like a scar, to remind me of a man that I've known my whole life, a good man. Praise God for the time I got to spend with my big brother.
1 comment:
I love you and you are precious. I was watching sleepless in seattle last night and there was a line in there that your blog made me think of, it when tom hanks is talking about to his wife and when she passed and how he made through each day, he says:
Get out of bed every morning
and breathe in and out all day.
And after a while I won't have to
remind myself to do it.
And then after a while I won't
remember how perfect things were.
It ok to hurt and be real, and even more importantly its ok and good to look at that scar and feel it and remember why its there!
love ya!
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